NOTE: This is not the same as my original pasta (that was total shit btw) OPENhEXAGON.TXT, it's actually quite different. It's longer, more autistic, more fanfic and probably actually funny
FROM HUMBLE BEGGININGS (LOL SPINGEBILL JOKE AND HL2:FLC JOKE LOL) Edit
You might not belive this but it's true. I was an intern at Google, but that's not as important as the fact that I'm a huge ceiling fan of the Hexagon franchise by Terry Cavanagh, like everything else, ever. And if you aren't then you're a dirty, theiving, devil worshopping, daedra worshipping, atheist, cis-gendered, culture appropriating, white privledged, rape supporting, misogynist, women hating, weeaboo, communist, democratic, brony, jewish, brony hating, neo-nazi that should be hung by their own big intestine, because I fap to that shit.
Anyways, because I have absolutely no taste in anything, so I narrowed down to the fan-games. I've never played a glitchy or hacked game before, like never, ever. My life is very boring now that I think about it. Anyway, I don't think I really want to play any glitch games anymore, after that time I played a super-glitchy fan-game that contradicts what I just said literally two sentances ago.
It all started when I as browsing eBay for a copy of Open Hexagon, even though I could just go to Vittorio Romeo's page and download it for free, I'M SO HIPSTER THAT I DON'T CHECK THAT SHIT! (puts on sunglasses and strikes an arms crossed pose as the image goes into a painting filter.)
I found a disc for the game when I was searching for "Open Hexagon Hentai" because I'm a geomosexual (I masturbate furiously to geomatry). Anyway, I saw that the disc was for 9,999,999 moneys. I spent my entire lyf savvngs on it. So was it worth it? No not really actually. Probably should have saved the moneys, but whatever. eBay said it would arrive on April 1st, 2169, meaning I had to wait 154 years. I thought it was a glitch went into hypersleep because the author loves Alien a little too much.
When I woke up it was 2169. I saw the neighborhood milkman come over with a sledgehammer and a packet. He smashed my doorbell with his hand and put the packet inside the hole with a sledgehammer, then he died splattering hyper-realistic blood all over me. I thought it was a glitch and took the thingy out of my doorbell. Then I found my Xbox, opened the disc tray, and then I didn't know what to do. I didn't think to put the disc in at the time so I took off my pants and pointed my dick at it, carefully inserting the phallus into the disc drive. I soon learned that what I did was make a very poor choice. I spent the next month looking for answers on how to get it out with Yahoo Answeres, which is weird because that service no longer exists in 2136. Anyway, after I pulled it out, Hyper-realistic blood and hyper-realistic semen flew out everywhere. I just thought it was a hack and put the disc in the disc drive. It didn't work.
Goddammit, well I should have known since it was a PC game but whatever. I have to pad this shit out somehow. Anyways, I started the game and it was JUST LIKE EVERY COPY OF OPEN HEXAGON 2.0 EVER!!!! God-fucking-dammit, I knew I wasted my money. Anyway, like any normal person, I chose the hardest level, Massacre, to get started. When the level started, I noticed something very peculiar. In place of Triangle, there was YuriOfWind! The curving walls were replace with blood and the walls had dead EVIL PATRIXXX on them! I thought it was a glitch and forgot about it. Then, I survived 666 seconds because I'm that good and then The Puppet came out with a backways besbol cap and a glock turned sideways, he busted a cap up in YuriOfWind and he took a thugged out dirtnap! Oh shiznit dawwwg! Then Shrek lept at the screen like Toy Chica and I got a boner because Toy Chica be mah waifu. Looking back at my choices I'm a pretty messed up person.
Anyways, after dumping Toy Chica and beginning to date Hatsune Miku the screen went black and hyper-realistic. I heard screams like Xenomorphs and the firing of an Armat Battlefield Systems M41A Pulse Rifle for 25 seconds. Then, my screen appeared with the words "YOU LIKE XENOS DON'T U????" In HYPUR-RELESTAK CRAYON!!!! I answered "Yesh I du" and I was booted back to the menu screen. I thought it was a glitch and carried on.
CENTRIFUGAL FORCE Edit
I decided then to chose the stage Centrifugal Force. The Pentadecagon in the center looked HYPER REALICTIS and lightbulb lol (it's litebulb cuz das da only relivint pic dat i cud find on gogle). The music was now the main menu theme from Cry Of Fear and the background was replaced with HIPR RELIZTAK BLUUUUUUD (bet u dudn't c dat cumming lol). I survived for 333 sexonds and den I dieded in da gayme and then a HYUPR RELITSIC SKELLINGTON CAME THE FUCK OUT OF MY CLOSET AND RIPPED OUT MY BRIAN AND I'M DIED!!!!11!1!!1!1 I thought it was a glitch and carried on. Then, suddenly, Triangle turned into Kawamura Reo from Sono Hanabira Ni Kuchizuke Wo!!!1!111!1! This was the best glitch ever! Since I spoke only engrish so I said "GURL UR SO CUTE" and then this kinda text came up with a Japanese voiceover when the screen turned black:
"... ... ..."
"... Ugh ..."
"... W-Why is there so many elipsis?"
"W-Wait, is that ...?"
Then the screen faded into the usual text UI in Sono Hanabira Ni Kuchizuke Wo and the background was Pyroland from TF2. Kawamura Reo then appeared.
"... an inflatable unicorn? What the hell kinda ..."
"Am I sick again? Did I have sex with Mai in the infirmary again and this is yet more bad karma or something?"
Then Eris Shitogi appeared (her name is structered like da muricans because Eris is murican)!
Eris: "Reo! What the hell are you doing here?"
Reo: "Eris! Get out of here, you bit-titted slut!"
Eris: "k m8"
Then Eris dissapeared in a cloud of hipper realism blood and Sawaguchi Mai slowly drifted onscreen.
Mai: "Reo! What are you doing in this terrible fanfic?"
Mai: "It's dangerous to be here, you never know how crazy the author is! This particular author hasn't even PLAYED Sono Hanabira Ni Kuchizuke Wo! All he knows about us was found out in our 22 minute 23 second OVA with only one episode, and he spent more time fapping then actually studying our personalities! He doesn't even know if he's making us go out of character or not!"
Reo: "So this isn't a fever dream? ..."
Mai: "Reo, this is more. It's just a horrible fanfic that luckily isn't even close to canonical. Let's go home and like 69 or something."
And then they both slid off screen as the screen became black and said "MAI X REO 4 EVAR" in hypur-relistik crayon. After 12.5 seconds I was booted back to the main menu.
I thought it was a glitch and decided to move on.
"Well that was odd, badly written, and very unfunny filler. Maybe I should try Reppaws? Hopefully that'll have much less filler. Also, why am I talking to myself again?" I said.
"Fritz, you're omniscient, can you explain this to me?" I said, turning to the blue parakeet in the white cage I keep close to my window.
"Bwraaa! You suck more that that prostitute I hired last night that cheated me out of my money with a vaccume cleaner!" Fritz said to me.
"Well I guess that would make sense. Anyways, TIME TO REPPAWS!" I said, beginning the level. The Tricontadigon in the middle was covered with hyper-pixilated blood and the tips of the walls were covered in hyper-animated bluud! Triangle was now Kent Hovind, except covered in hyper-realistic milk (HAH U TOGHT IT WUZ SEMEN XDDDDDDDDDD). Kent Hovind would dance Gangnam Style every time I moved to the side, and he'd go bloodeye every time I swapped. I thought it was a glitch and carried on. I survived 66600 seconds because I'm that amazing until Kent Hovind started saying that because it was sunday at 12:00 AM it was the sabboth and I had to stop or some shit. I kept trying until Kent Hovind stopped me and lept at the screen like Foxy in FNAF 2.
Then the screen read "UR GUNA DIED AT DA END UV DIS" in Hypa Realistizzle Crayon and booted me back tha fuck to tha freakadelic lil' main menu after 6.25 muthafuckin' seconds. Y'all KNOW dat shit muthafucka! Not too muthafuckin contempt with sitting this shiznit out I tried dat muthafucka up again, but dat shiznit was all different yo. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass! Sawaguchi Mai was now replacing triangle n you can put dat on yo' toast. Her big-ass booty looked high as a muthafucka. I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n mah wack little theorizzle be dat dat dunkadelic hoe be blazin da kush!
I survived fo' 666 hours this muthafuckin time and dat freaky freaky biatch finally just said "Fuck dat shiznit yo!" and strutted the fuck off the screen wit her lezbo swag! Put yo muthafuckin choppers up if ya feel dis! Suddenly, tha fuck outta nowhere, Kirishima Shizuku popped the fuck up and said:
"Am I the only one who notices that this suddenly, like, switched languages?"
Then Eris Shitogi popped her big-ass booty all up in dis biatch, bustin the lyrics:
"What the hell is Mai doing right now anyway?"
Mai's big-ass booty then propped tha fuck up with her school uniform's second layer of threadz all half off. Her muthafuckin eyez be tinted pink like a muthafucka, almost matching dat dunkadelic hoe's red as Gerard Muthafuckin Way from "I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah chemical romanshizzle"s irises. Reo then pushed Eris tha fuck outta the way! Y'all KNOW dat shit muthafucka! This kinda shiznit happens all the time!
Mai: "Look tha fuck out homies! I be fly like a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in the sky dawwwg!"
Reo: "MAI YOU IDIOT!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU UP TO NOW?!"
Mai: "Reo, honey, y'all KNOW dat shit muthafucka! I be hittin' tha muthafuckin' shizzle wit da D-O-Double-G! Right back up in yo MUTHAFUCKIN ass!!"
Eris: "I ... have no words. This is slowly degrading from a Open Hexagon trollpasta and into a Sono Hanabira Ni Kuchizuke Wo fanfic, and a horrible one at that."
Shizuku: "Let's not forget, the author only VERY VAGUELY knows the characters of Mai and Reo. He doesn't even have a clue as to our personalities, Eris."
Then suddenly, Terry Cavanagh appeared.
Terry: "What in the literal fuck is going on here?"
Vittorio Romeo then emerged from Terry Cavanagh via osmosis.
Vittorio: "A-seriously! What-a are you-a a-doing in this a-trollpasta! This is-a no longer-a spicey meat-a ball-a!"
Reo said something in japanese.
Terry: "What is she saying?"
Vittorio: "I-a be an-a italian-a! I have-a not the slightest-a clue-a!"
Mai did more rambling in japanese. I'm not telling you what it is, but it doesn't even make sense there. Mai spent the next half hour lexuring Reo, Terry and Vittorio about how garry's mod's removed GLON system could have been used to cure cancer in the middle east if sweden hadn't invented ebola. Seriously, it made no sense. Then after that the screen faded into a black hyperrealistic blackground (lol geddit cuz itz blak) and said "I SLIGHTLY DISLIKE YOU also, I ran out of Red crayon D:" in bluuu hiypar realiealistix crayon. I was booted back to the tittle screen after 3.125 seconds.
I thought it was a glitch and thought to myself "Fuck, this game is soooo fucking glichy. Did Vittorio Romeo seriously fuck this up? Is this really version 184.108.40.206?". I thought it was a glitch and carried on.
"I guess Mai getting high was either a terrible excuse for me to say that alliteration, or it was forshadowing what would happen in Polyhedrug. Well, whatever. Let's do this shit." I said to myself because I have no friends.
When I started the level, it showed Carl Sagan taking the UMD for the third Sono Hanabira Ni Kuchizuke Wo game out of his PSP and staring at the camera and saying "Billions and billions of lesbians." followed by "Also, that's the last time that Sono Hana-whatever the fuck will appear in this fanfic." before the screen cut to black for 1.5625 seconds. I thought it was a glitch and carried on.
I started Polyhedrug and the first thing I noticed was that the style changed. The background was black and the 3D and main color were red. The music was now a Snoop Dogg version of a song by MCR. nao iz a nu langag soz nao i muvd 2 da rit nd i fownd dat da walz muv diferintly nao dey ust 2 be lik u c it den da walz u dunt c cum 4 u nd u hav 2 avoyd dem but her iz u c da wal nd da wal u dunt c dunt aper lol das werd i tot 2 myslef den tryanjel tur n2 karl sagin nd he say bilionz n bilionz uv goffz nd he den turnd in 2 gerard way nd i gut al hrd cuz hez a major fukin sex bom n i splsh hypr reliztek semin on mi monatr nd i had 2 klen it up n da gaym skreen turn blak nd say i fownd mi red krayn alos ur fat ;3 den it went bak aftr 0.78125 sekondz den aftr 13 sekondz it say r u evn spekng engish at dis poynt (lol poynt geddit cuz iz in da hexagun seriez nd u strt at poynt al da tim lol) n den spork chord glitterman pants aperd nd rapd evul patrixx 2 deth but evul patrix waz nut kil soz tpw den cwc caem 2 da ded spork chord glitterman pants nd he did it wif hiz corps (not dat 1 u siko) den karl sagin aperd agen nd say i lied nd da skreen wint blak n hypr relistki nd say lol i lid 2 u i say fuk dat shiznit nd i dide but fritz gut ot uv hiz nik caje (geddit az in nikolazz caje) nd did cpr on me cuz hez awzum lik dat nd mi alzhimerz kikd in nd i 4gut how 2 swap but den i remembird (geddit cuz fritz iz a parakite lol im funi 2) how 2 swop nd i den da tryanjel turnd 2 kawmura rayo nd shi wuz al cut nd shi mad me orgism unl i livd 4 555 owerz nd dat maed da lvl do sum freky spinz untl i dided i clikd r on mah kibroad nd i strtad agen but dis tim tryanjel wuz spoodermin n he kept fapin ovr nd ovr untl evul patrixx poke him wit a stik den spoodermin had a dans of wit stiv frum mincroft n den da gam plaed lik ddr on krak untl i fineshd da lvl nd den da skreen wint blak but dudn't sae nythin nd i gut butid bak aftr 0.39075 skeondz i tot it wuz a glich nd i 4got bowt it.
"Holy shit right back up in my mommy's muthafuckin' ass! Am I glad that Polyhedrug was a short chapter!" I sayed to myself. "I seriously had no fucking clue what going on at around the end! Was that even qualifiable as english? Am I gonna have to release an english dub?" I kept screaming to myself because my imaginary friend Jim doesn't even like me.
"Brwaaa! I'll write the english translations later. In the meantime I have to finish the MSPAINT drawings for this shite." Fritz said.
"Well whatever Fritz. I'll try ssslither next, because I'm a sssslithery sssssnake!" I say to Fritz-chan
"Brwaaa! That's stupid!" Fritz-tan said to me, flapping his wings.
"Yes, yes, I know. And I'm cis-scum because I'm comfortable having my penis." I said to Fritz-sama~ who's tottemo kawaii desu. "Anyways, time to be super sugoi at a stage with almost nothing but curving walls. Why the fuck am I doing this?" I say to myslef.
This time, instead of triangle there was Carl Sagan! And there were billions and billions of curving walls, but they were all stars! It was hard but because I'm a Mary Sue I survived for 62 seconds before I died of pneumonia. I thought it was a glitch and hit R, only for images of a high Carl Sagan to flash on the screen. Then the screen became black and hyper-realestate. The words "LOL IM GUNA KIL U IN UR SLEP" were written in hypur relistsack mayonaise, or was it semen? idk it tasted like mayonaise though.
Anyways, then it booted me back to the stage select after 0.195375 seconds. Then, I noticed something odd. Instead of it saying that I was logged in as my normal profile, it said "Carl Sagan" in place of "xXx_bigBLACKdick_xXx". I thought it was a glitch and--then I was cut off by Carl Sagan as he jumped out of my cumpooter screen. He simply said one phrase, he spoke in only a way a mad-man could speak. He said:
"We, whining on the moon, we carry a harpoon. Since there is no value Wal say on hoykhmayse and harmony and sing the Whales! Boobs, lol" Said Carl Sagan as he then put his fist into the air and flew out of my bedroom window, smashing through the window. I thought it was a glitch until he came back through my window and took off his pants. I took off my bra and let my manboobs sag. Then he put his thingy in my you know what and we did it for the first time (c iz dat stupid?). After wiping the hyper-realistic semen off mah esshoe, I pressed R on my keyboard again. This time I survived for 662 seconds before I needed to take a shit. I hit a wall because I didn't use the focus function, but I ran to the byeathruum cuz I ned to taek a shit. I thought it was a glitch and went on to the byeathruum.
INNERMISSION: DA BAFFRUUM Edit
While I was taking a dump I ran into the ghost of Jeff The Killer. I made the mistake of calling him overated as he summoned his fangirls and they all raped me like I was a fox and they were a pack of horny furries on the discovery channel.
That was when I pulled out my Armat Battlefield Systems M41A Pulse Rifle and shot all dem bitches up! It wasn't a massacre because there were gonna beat me with their shoes and breast implants. Jeff came at me (lol sex joke) with his knife but I pulled out a fork and stabbed him in the I (lol 2hu joke) and then eye stabbed him in the dick and he fell on the ground dyeing (lol geddit) but before he died he said these words:
"I SHALL CURSE THEE WITH THE ASTHMA!111!!1!!11!1111!!1!" Said Jeff The Killer as he dieded then died.
Then I had an asthma attack and died. That made me shit in my pants. I thought it was a glitch and changed my panties (yes I wear panties and I'm a man lol 1v1 me bich) and got back to my cumpooter desk. I thought it was a glitch adn carried on.
I sat tha fuck down inta mah freakadelic lil chair as da bruda wit da sheet all ova hiz head of Jeff Da Killa bled some muthafuckin ectoplasm all tha fuck ova my bathroom! Y'all KNOW dat shit muthafucka! I decizzled dat I gonna clean up dat peanut crap tomarrow. Now, why tha fuck am I using ghetto talk, biatch? Well, yo ass see, Incongruence wasn't all gravy like it used to be, right back up in yo muthafuckin ass!
Now dat ghetto was called "Inconsistancy, biatch!" n' da rap "Flirt Flirt Oh It Hurts" was the original gangsta rap in da freakadelic lil stage, but now dat shiznit was "Flirt Flirt Nigga, Oh Shiznit It Hurts Like A Muthafucka!". Da freshly smoked up rap was bitcrushed ta shit nd da rap wuz replaced wit Nate Dogg's "Smoke weed every day", Y'all KNOW dat shit muthafucka! Da polygizzle in tha muthafuckin centa would randizzly change from a muthafuckin cannabis leaf to a muthafuckin 40 oz to a muthafuckin bong and vice muthafuckin versa.
Dis time Triangle was now replaced by da D-O-Double-G himself! I ain't talkin' bout chicken and gravy biatch! I kept gamin tha fuck over because the wallz were muthafuckin curving wallz! I thought dat shiznit be nuthin but all glitchy and forgot bout dat shiznit. As I made Snoop strutt tha fuck away from da muthafuckin' curvin' wallz of dirtnap. Afta 420 seconds dat shiznit became crazy az da muthafuckin wall skew janked up in dis biatch and da muthafuckin wallspeed sped tha fuck up! Y'all KNOW dat shit muthafucka! Dis kinda shiznit happens all the time, except it doesn't.
But fuck dat shiznit yo! Word on the street be dat at 420 seconds, snoop dogg ripped off his shirt tha fuck off reavalin his magnificant pecs of weed! Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass! Now, wheneva a muthafuckin wall came struttin up in Snoop's face he's punch dat shiznit tha fuck out! He'd game tha walls tha fuck over insteda da otha way round!
Afta dat shiznit reached 4200 seconds da screen went all rainbow and hyper-realistizzle up in dis biatch! I ain't talkin bout chicken and gravy biatch. Otha than dat shiznit da stage wuz actually boring like a muthafucka. Y'all KNOW dat shit muthafucka! I thought dat shiznit be nuthin' mo' then all glitchy and carried tha fuck on. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass!
"Okay, so that was odd and somewhat very offensive considering I'm a white, straight, heterosexual man, which apparently automatically makes me opressive." I said to myself because the only reason Fritz is around me is because he can't leave his cage.
"Brwaaa! Your headmates aren't real you brainless tumblrette!" Fritz said to me.
"Oh come one Fritz! I can't help it when S-Dog is fronting!" I said, attempting to bring light to the fact that I'm totally not faking the headmates thing.
"Brwaaa! Stop faking D.I.D. you lonely faggot! Get a job and a life!" Fritz said, ignorant to the real issues as always.
As I started the level, the game randomly crashed. I guess that this was a foreshadowing of how much smexy this would contain. WARNING: This part is very sexy! Viewer excretion not advised unless you're a scat fetishest.
This time, Triangle was now a xenomorph! I thought that was awesome because subject 6 be mah new waifu. The xenomorph was climbing on the background, and it went around a giant hyper-realistic square that was dripping hyper-realistic semen, or was it mayonaise? Idk, it tasted like milk though. I thought it was a glitch and moved on. The walls and cuving walls were made of frozen hyper-realistic smegma! This is probably the glitchiest game I've ever played now that I think about it. Since the smegma thing was a glitch I forgot about it and basically swapped my way through the level.
At 666 seconds the special finally activated, that was when the walls turned into colonial marines! They all looked like Tequila from AVp 2010 if she was nude and covered in hyper-realistic menstrual blood (as if there's a difference?) which is probably one of the weirdest glitches yet. Every time I hit one of them it showed the xenomorph killing a fully clothed hyper-realistic Tequila with hyper-realistic blood.
It wasnt until 1332 seconds that whenever I hit a Tequila she's shuut at the xenomorph and hyper-realistic acid blood would fire out. At 1337 seconds I became hyper-realistic and hyper-mlg and xenomorph would be invicible for 420 seconds which made the level more easy. After it reached 666 hours the screen went black and hyper-realistic and said "R U RLY THIS MUCH OF A MARY SUE?".
"Brwaaa! Seriously Song, you're not as fucking good as you think you are! You can't even survive more then 5 seconds on Massacre in real life, how the fuck are you so good at this?" Fritz said.
"FRITZ JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME DO MORE OF THIS BULLSHIT, AND YOU WILL REFER TO ME AS THEDUDEWHOLICKSMUSTARD WHEN I'M WRITING A TROLLPASTA!" I yelleded at Fritz.
"Brwaaa! Bite my feathery blue ass, dickwipe!" Fritz said before opening his beak and covering me with large amounts of a sticky hyper-realistic white liquid that shot out of his mouth. It wasn't semen, no, because this gunk melted my flesh. It tasted like mayonaise. It melted my brian and i'm dieded. I thought it was a glitch and carried on.
After a while, Carl Sagan came onto the screen and molested the xenomorph! I felt sad because I'm a xenomorph-kin and I'd rather my fellow drones remain virgins. Carl Sagan then turned to the camera, his eyes were now black with red dots in them and bled hyper-realistic menstrual blood. He simple said:
"Billions and billions of gallons of blood." Said Carl Sagan before he walked over to H.R. Giger's grave. He took a shove, dug up H.R. Giger's corpse, and with a cosmic ass-slap, brought H.R. Giger bak 2 lyf1! H.R. Giger then slapped Carl Sagan, turning Carl Sagan back to normal as he went over to comfort the jizz-soaked xenomorph. I sat there for a whole hour as H.R. Giger helped the xenomorph talk about it's parent issues and help resolve it's anger issues. Xenomorph then went on to get a job, buy a house, and marry a beautiful lesbian xenomorph named Stacy (LOL GEDDIT CUZ MI SIS'S NAEM IZ STACYDAXENO LOL) and became the proud second mother\female father of two beautiful blonde chestbursters. Xenomorph drove a prius to work. I thought it was a glitch and carried on.
"Well that was stupid. Also, where did you learn to do that Fritz?" I sayed.
"Brwaaa! I learned when I was in Tibet doing training with that Tibetian guy and his other pupil, Dr.Ray De-Angelo Harris." Fritz responded as he wiped the hyper-realistic bird semen from his perch after he saw the two xenomorphs lesbian scissoring, despite not having any genetalia.
"Fritz, did you fap to that scissoring scene between the two Queens?" I asked Fritz in sternly.
"Brwaaa! Only a little. It makes no sense since I'm basically castraited. I don't even have any meat to beat!" Fritz said.
"You are a sick, sick person." I said to Fritz in dissapoint.
"Brwaaa! Atleast I'm sane, unlike you, xenomorph-kin!" Fritz said to me with an actual point.
"Fritz, you know as well as I do I'm like Ripley 8, but retarded. I'll prove it to you, my blood will melt through the hull!" I said, slitting my wrist and letting the blood drip onto the carpet.
"Brwaaa! Stop slitting your wrists you crackheaded emo, start playing the fucking cursed game you got off teh interwebz or some shit! Your blood isn't even melting through anything, it has the normal Ph level of reguler blood." Fritz said, ignorant of my 5th grade edu-ma-cation.
Acceleradient was completely normal. Even at 666 seconds, nothing happened. So I moved on to Disc-O.
"Brwaaa! Is it a fucking glitch that Acceleradient was normal? Huh? You stupid bitch!" Fritz said to me, fed up with my stupidity.
"No Fritz, Acceleradient was just normal." I said to Fritz, attempting to bring him to the truth.
"Brwaaa! Then what is a glitch and what isn't? Why did you have to buy ME? Out of all the parakeets at PetSmart, why did you buy me? In my humble opinion and better judgement, I'd say that you should have bought Tamara!" Fritz said to me, still ignorant of my totally real issues.
"Fritz, Tamara was being a bitch to me. Besides, your blue feathers were the most beautiful, and your face didn't look like it was covered in piss." I said to Fritz.
"You bought me because MY FACE WASN'T YELLOW? ...Whatever. Just finish Disc-O and Evotutorial and get this shit over with!" Fritz said in madly.
The first thing I noticed when I started Disc-O was that the background was now EVUL PATRIXXX and triangle was Kawamura Reo again!
"Brwaaa! I thought Carl Sagan said that the chapter Polyhedrug was the end of your obsession with your stupid chinease cartoons that are for girls!" Fritz said.
"They're not chinease cartoons, it's japanese anime. Also, Sono Hanabira Ni Kuchizuke Wo only had one episode in it's OVA. The rest of the stuff is from the game series. It's also not ment for girls as the series is clearly erotica directed towords a male audience. Besides, that bit with Carl Sagan was a glitch that just coincidentally looked and sounded exactly like Carl Sagan." I wisely corrected Fritz.
"Brwaaa! Bitch, does it look like I give a shit at this point?" Fritz said, still ignorant as always.
"I don't know Fritz, you always just have the same cute look on your face." I said.
"Brwaaa! Point is, your obsession is out of hand!" Fritz said to me.
"Whatever." I said to Fritz since he was still too ignorant and didn't understand that Japan, despite all it's imperfections, is the most perfect place on the planet.
Anyways, at 666 seconds Kawamura Reo then walked off screen and then Ulfric Stormcloak walked on screen and took her place. Then IVEL PATRIXIE began to leak hyper-realistim mayonaise from his eyes. I know because it looked, behaived, and tasted like mayonaise, all hyper-relisticly. Also, I forgot to mention, all of that was obviously a glitch.
After 666 more seconds, EUVL RIXX (lol geddit lik rick but liek evil patrixxx lol) turned into a disco ball and the Hyper-realistic mayonaise turned into hyper-realistic photons! I thought this was a glitch and forgot about it. Then, Jarl Ulfric turned into Michael Jackson (back when he didn't come back (lol geddit? cuz he wuz blak at 1 tim)) and Michael Jackson started air-humping!
"THAT BASTARD IS A RAPE-SUPPORTER!" I screamed, my feminist-jimmies were tingling.
"Brwaaa! I'm pretty sure air-humping doesn't signify anything rapey." Fritz said, as the mysoginist MRA that he is.
"You're a male parakeet, you have no room to speak on these issues. Stop mansplaining, anyways, I will continue my fight for equality!" I said with absolutely no hipocracy whatsoever as my feminist-jimmies no longer remained unrustled.
Triangle came back, kicked Michael Jackson in the dick, and then took his place. I finished the level as triangle. This time the level ended with the screen going hyper-realistic and black showing the words "How fucking stupid are you?" in hyper-schoolastic red crayon before the game crashes. Yep, definantly a glitch. Like, fucking seriously, how can that NOT be one? This game is so fucking glitchy anyway, so it might as well be one. Anyways, I thought all that was a glitch and carried on.
"Brwaaa! Really, I wonder how you never saw this coming. Are you seriously this dumb that you would have needed this upcoming message to come to you?" Fritz said, being stupid again.
"Fritz, what are yuo even talking about? If you're referring to how glitchy this game is I figured that out like 7 chapters ago." I said, warding off his stupid.
"Brwaaa! The thing is the game is actually--" Fritz said before I cut him off.
"Fritz, not now. I gotta find out the sick and dark twisted truth of this shit." I said, cutting Fritz off.
When I started the level, the time instantly turned into 666 seconds and the screen turned black and hyper-elastic as the words "THIS GAME IS HACKED YOU FUCKTARD!!!!" were written in hyper-realnigga red crayon.
"OMG THIS GAME WAS HACKED THE WHOLE TIME?!" I asked in confused.
"BRWAAA! ARE YOU THAT FUCKING RETARDED THAT YOU DIDN'T NOTICE THAT?!" Fritz asked, being an asshole.
"FRITZ WITH HOW GLITCHY THIS GAME WAS CAN YOU BLAME ME?!" I asked with the illusion of having a logical point.
"BRWAAA! I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT THOSE WEREN'T GLITCHES YOU BRAINDEAD IDIOT THAT CAN'T TELL 'PACIFIC' FROM 'SPECIFIC'! NOTHING YOU SAW WAS A GLITCH BESIDES THE LEVELS CRASHING!" Fritz said, obviously lying.
"FRITZ ALL YOU WERE TRYING TO DO WAS OBJECTIFY ME AND TELL ME TO CONFORM TO YOUR OPRESSIVE VIEW OF SOCIETY!" I said, not being a total retard.
"BRWAAA! YOU'RE A LOST CAUSE DUDE!" Fritz said before hopping over to his water thingy and taking a drink.
"SONG! YOU BETTER CLEAN UP YOUR LANGUAGE RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN!" My mommy yelleded from downstairs.
"MUMMY, I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME THEDUDEWHOLICKSMUTSARD WHEN I'M IN A TROLLPASTA, AND ALSO I'M 13 YEARS OLD! I'M OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE SEX IN JAPAN!" I said, showing that I really do have an IQ of 125. Really! I do! I'm not lying!
"INCASE YOU FORGOT YOU LIVE IN AMERICA! NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FAGGOT! DON'T MAKE ME TAKE AWAY YOUR MOMO DEVILUKE COSPLAY AGAIN YOUNG MAN!" My mom yelled at me, being a fat cunt.
"1v1 ME FGT IL REK U!!!" I said to my mommy.
Just then, my mommy came into my room with an Artic Warfare Magnum loaded with 50 Calibur BMG phospherous sniper ammunition. When she spartan-kicked my door open she noscoped me, splattering hyper-realistic blood everywhere.
"Brwaaa! Is he finally dead? Is my tourture finally over? Can I go to somebody who won't take good care of me but annoy me to the point where I develope sentience and wish to commit suicide but can never bring myself to do such a thing?" Fritz said.
I thought it was a glitch and forgot about it. Anyways, I continued Evotutorial. Unfortunately I missed everything so the screen was frozen at the area where it games you over at 45 seconds, except this time it was 62 second, and there was Carl Sagan saying "Billions and billions of cliches." over and over again. I thought it was a glitch and forgot about it.
"Brwaaa! He fucking lived? Fuck! Is it atleast over? Am I not gonna have to suffer any more of this acursed child's autism?" Fritz said, being a big meanie.
"Sorry Fritz, but, if you'd look where I keep all my hentai games..." I said, pointing to the area on the shelf where I keep my hentai game cases.
"Brwaaa! No...you didn't..." Fritz said, becoming nervouser and timid.
"Yes I did Fritz, I hid them. Not just in any old hiding place, oh no. I hid them in..." I said, all creepy.
"Brwaaa! You don't mean..." Fritz said, getting scared.
"Yes, Fritz, a plothole. I opened it when I installed that level pack exactly 0 seconds ago. It's been installed for 0 days now." I said, all dramatic.
WILL FRITZ-SENPAI EVER GET A BREAK? WILL THEDUDEWHOLICKSMUSTARD EVER WRITE A GOOD TROLLPASTA? WILL FRITZ-KUN AND MUSTARD-CHAN EVER CLOSE THE PLOTHOLE BEFORE IT DEVOURS THE UNIVERSE AND MUSTARD-CHAN'S COLLECTION OF JAPANESE EROTICA? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON OPENHEXAGAIN.LZMA!!!
Story by: TheDudeWhoLicksMustard, StacyDaXeno
Costume design by: Weyland K.B.
Storyboards by: H.R. Giger
Directed by: Tommy Wiseau
Tom\Song\Mustard - TheDudeWhoLicksMustard
Fritz - Fritz
Carl Sagan - Carl Sagan
Mommy - Jenette McCurdy
Michael Jackson - Samuel L. Jackson
Bill Nye - Carl Sagan
Kent Hovind - Eric Hovind
Reo Kawamura - Reo Kawamura
Mai Sawaguchi - Mai Sawaguchi
Eris Shitogi - Marisa Kirisame
Shizuku Kirishima - David Kneeream
Vittorio Romeo - Mario
Christian Weston Chandler - Christian Weston Chandler
Evil Patrixxx - Rick (lolololololol)
Snoop Dogg - Snoop Dogg
Xenomorph - Subject 6
Milkman - Postman Pat
YuriOfWind - YuriOfWind
Jeff The Killer's Ghost - Furbearingbrick
HYPUR-REALICTIS SKELLINGTON - LOLSKELETONS
Tequila - Ellen Ripley
Terry Cavanagh - Triangle
Triangle - Terry Cavanagh
Hyper Realistic Blood - B-
Hyper Realistic Semen - TruMoo
Hyper Realistic Bird Semen - The blood we got from Bishop's ass he left on the USS Sulaco
Hyper Realistic Mayonaise - An Instrument
Hyper Realistic Milk - Lactaid
In memory of Le Mont (my big fatass cat that died sometime in 2014)