NOTE: This story was deleted from Trollpasta for the following reasons - "Unfunny and slurs".
It was a normal day on LV-420-6 in Dimension 133742-03603.14159265. I was working on food stuff while Vanilla and
Chocola did stuff (AN: nut in dat wae perrrrv). Everthing was normal, that drunk guy was vomiting on babies outside the shop, Alphatom493 | Promethium45 was eating cheesecake while setting Open Hexagon world records while Boshy told him that the scores were "not legit" all the while Alphatom493 | Promethium45 was being noscoped by EVIL PATRIXXX using an AWP | Hyper-Beast (Factory New) with a Kawaii Killer T sticker above the mag, Yandere-chan was taking upskirt pics of YuriOfWind, my 6th grade language art's teacher Mrs.Brummet and my 6th grade cumpooter teacher Dr.Powell were facepalming at the use of run-on sentances and unecessary details and my tense swaps as they took a sip of their tea.
Suffengdly, I teleported to the cash register because Vanilla just plot-convinently stubbed her toe on a loose velociraptor claw. That was when Xanthia appeared. She was a bangin' ass ho wit her afro all brown n' shit. Dat biatch's green kawaii-desu eyes had da muthafuckin' "$selfillum" "1" to dat shiznit. Makes me wanna holla playa! Her name was Xanthia.
"Hi, my name is Xanthia" She said.
"Buy something or sit somewhere and be sugoi." I said with sexness.
The girl who's name was Xanthia then stated loafing meanly as she pulled out a StatTrak(tm) Nova | Koi (Factory New) and aimed it at me. I pulled out a StatTrak(tm) M4A1-S | Hyper Beast (Battle-Scarred) out of my pocket and aimed it at her. Suddenly, Jedediah Jr. from Beyond Thunderdome appeariated in2 da room.
"THIS IS A STICK-UP!" He said. "Anybody moves, and they're dead meat!" He said also.
Suddenly, YuriOfWind opened his mouth and the Blood Whistle came out of his trachea. It simply said:
"ALLAHU KADABRA!" It said as it tunnled into the ground and ripped open a wormhole plot. Suddenly, the Purple Prose Dildo emerged from the fissure. It said a simple phrase. It said it in only the way a feminist could speak. It said:
"How cuuuute! I'm so happyyyy! And Na-chan's in the same thing~!"
Then a hentai tentacle monster came out and swallowed everyone in the bakery, except Chocola and Vanilla because the author still has some standards. Also, this takes place before Shigure gets the rest of the catgirls to help out at La Soleil (lolspoilers).
Inside the belly of the hentai tentacle monster, I found Ridley Scott playing cards with Nethead, Specimene 6, some random K-series Xenomorph, and a beast version of our mascot.
"OMG RIDLEY SCOTT UR MA BAE" I said.
Suddenly, Ridley Scott took off his fedora and said:
"Do you mind? I wish to live out the remainder of my life in peace. Also, are you enjoying Alien 5 at all?"
Me: BUT DAT HAZNUT CUM OT YIT WEN I ROTE DIZ111 I said
"-slap- Will you fucking concentrate? We've just been swallowed by a hentai tenacle monster, and unless anyone here has a vore fetish, I suggest finding a way out." Xanthia said with arngrily.
"k m80" I said.
Suddenly, the boss of this stage appeared. It grabbed Ridley Scott and bit his Face\Off! Dressed in fuchia, tall and angry...
...it was Kent Hovind! It made sence, he was always Ray Comfort's second banana, the thing 2, the one who doesn't find that sweet proof of creationism in these early games. Before TheDudeWhoLicksMustard could rip-off Slimebeast even more, Xanthia took out her StatTrak(tm) Nova | Koi (Factory New) and blasted Kent Hovind's Face\Off. Suddenly, Ridley Scott was re-incarnated as Ridley Scott!
"OMG WAT A PLOT TWIST!" Said Boshy as he apperiated into the room. "Also, Stop cheating Alphatom493 | Promethium45! Change your recording software!" Said Boshy.
Alphatom493 | Promethium45 turned into a steamroller and flattened Boshy into a Boshycake.
"Well, I'd bid you all farewell, but due to the goddamn atrocious grammar I think that would be a little overkill." Dr.Powell said as he and Mrs.Brummet got to the chopper and flew away, only to be seen in 5th period and 8th period classes. I was quickscope by Mrs.Brummet for writing this absolute atrocity of a "story".
Suddenlinkly, a tear rips open the hentai tentacle monster as a familliar blue parakeet flew in. It was Fritz!
"Brwaaa! Goddammit Song you owe me $20!" Fritz said with kawaii.
"OMG FRITZITY! YOU SAVED US!" I said at Fritz.
"So, who the fuck is this?" Xanthia asked as Fritz began to peck my eyes out.
"It's Fritz, that parakeet I found who loves me alot. Don't you Fritzity?" I say.
"BRWAAA! DON'T CALL ME FRITZITY AGAIN YOU SHITDICK!" Fritz said as he pack me eiez oot.
"So, are we going to advance the plot at all?" Xanthia ask to protagonist 1.
"Yeah yesh, hold on, I just need to fill these pastries with purple p--" I wuz zayig b4 zantia kut mi uf
"Listen here you cat-fucking creep." znatya sed garbing me kolur. "I don't think you brought me into this fucked up universe for no reaso--" Xathia was saying before a skeleton popped out.
"I'll handle this!" Yandere-Chan said as she decapitated the skeleton and went insane when hyper-realistic blood came out.
>Suderntly, fone ring.
>YuriOfWind pik up fone
>It wuz EVIL PATRIXXX
>EVIL PATRIXXX nd EVIL BILL COSBYXXX pul YuriOfWind thru fone
>Chinez Iluminaty wuz nao fone
>Dey sed "IF YOU DON'T FITE US IRL DEN WE'LL MAKE YURIOFWIND CANCEL BULLSHIT CREEPYPASTA STORYTIME!"
>We wuz scurrd nd spookd
>helgast cam ot da purtal 2 helgan keep
>dey wur hyiprz relizktuk
Then Xanthia pulled out an AWP | Bounce (Field-Tested) and noscope them all. Which then caused Anita Sarkeesian and Briana Wu to aperiate thru da portal. They were wearing all red and I spot bloodstain on they're shirts.
They captured Xanthia and made her a damsel in distress since we were being too sexist. They slapped me and called me a faggot, but I knew they were just jelious of my devotion to Alison Tieman.
I called upon the Honey Badger Brigade who then pulled out super spooky smexy sexy hyper-realistic rainbow quake railguns and blasted Anita and Briana, crossing the streams. After the resulting magnetars cleared, Xanthia was now dressed as a SAS and all that renamed of Anita and Briana were buckets of KFC.
The Honey Badgers fucked off to go fite the Azerbaijain Illuminati as Xanthia slapped me in the cheek (AN nut dat 1 pervo). Xanthia calls me a faggot and sends me to my room, but I knew she was just jelious of my devotion to Alison Tieman. I called upon the Honey Badgers, but they were too busy quickscoping snipar barrel minge to tell me that they can't do anything to Xanthia because she's not an antagonist.
Everybody now exists the hentai tentacle monster and we find ourselves in London. We go to the nearby Ammunation and buy a couple jellied eel skins.
Surdently, Raiko Izumiyama appears. She's in an Oscar Meyer hot-dog truck that's being driven by Tommy Wiseau. There was a most-likely imported southern central 'murican Caiman in the back.
"Get your free Krusty Dogs!" Raiko said.
"OMG RIAKO U NED 2 CUM WIT UZ!" I said.
"Yeah, right. Song, last time we met I almost did the world a favor (by murdering you, but that failed) and you sent me to the slammer." Raiko said.
"Oh hai Song!" Tommy Wiseau said. "Howz yur secks lyf?"
"iz gud" I said. "Now come with us Raiko!"
Xanthia: [Really seductively] "I'll buy you an entire box set of Panty And Stocking With Garter Belt if you help us defeat the Chinease Illuminati and rescue YuriOfWind from the clutches of Evil Patricks and Evil Bill Cosbicks."
"Well in that case, sure." Raiko said in her usual cute and faint monotone.
"So, Wiseau-sama, can you give us a ride~?" Yandere-Chan asked sadistically.
"Ya, juss git in tha bak. Mihnd da kaimun!" Tommy Wisau said.
Suddenly, Carl Sagan lifted Jedediah Jr., Ridley Scott, and Boshy into atheist heaven since they were no-longer important to the plot. Alphatom493 | Promethium45 was still too wrapped up in getting 9,999,999 seconds on Acceleradient to care. Xanthia didn't give a shit since she had better things to do, Fritz didn't give a shit since they weren't even important to the plot ever, but I was so sad to see them go. I was also crying because I got to gaze upon the glory of our god, Carl Sagan, as he ascended those brave and mostly irrelivant souls to his paradise. Xanthia hits me with the buttstock of her StatTrak(tm) Nova | Koi (Factory New) and calls me a faggot, but I knew she was just jelious of my devotion to Carl Sagan.
While we were riding in the Oscar Meyer Weiner-mobile, a chestburster popped out of Alphatom493 | Promethium45, but Alphatom493 | Promethium45's sexyness stat was so high that he didn't even notice the cute creature eating its way out of his chest. Xanthia pulled out a M41A | Hyper-Beast (Well-Worn) and shot it, burning a hole through the hull. That wasn't really funny and didn't impact the plot at all so we instantly forgot about it. I went back to filter-feeding while Fritz helped Xanthia paint her nails. Alphatom493 | Promethium45 was still playing Acceleradient and was too bored to care. Raiko was eating hotdogs. The author wrote more filler. Words. All of a suddenly, An horrible man with blue eyes and blonde hair came flying on an My Chemical Romance Broom. It was Toecutter and Da Deth Deelerz!
He threw a hyper-realistic Mudguts at Tommy Wiseau, who ate it with a crunch, splattering hyper-pixelated mud and photo-realistic guts everywhere. The mud and guts suddenly turned the Weiner-mobile silver, which pissed off the fans. Carl Sagan then sent George Miller to combat Toecutter and Da Deth Deelerz. Miller then threw hyper-sexy hospitalized stuntmen at Toecutter, de-rezzing him instantly. Miller then pelted the remaining Deth Deelerz with explosive silver Interceptors. All that was left of them was hyper-painterly Blood On The Dancefloor, who then were killed when George Miller pelted them with homicidal Mel Gibsons. Miller saluted us as he ate a magical dewrito and warped back to Gensokyo.
"Um...what the fuck just happened?" Xanthia asked.
"Toecutter and Da Deth Deelerz tried to do stuff but George Miller saved us." I said.
"Brwaaa! That was fucking batshit crazy! Seriously, what the fuck?!" Fritz asked.
"Dammit! I only got 999,999,999,999 seconds on Acceleradient!" Alphatom493 | Promethium45 said as game over open hex.
Suddenly, a portal to android hell opened and then, a Boshy popped out.
"STOP CHEATING Alphatom493 | Promethium45! CHANGE YOUR RECORDING SOFTWARE! THAT SCORE WASN'T LEGIT!" Boshy said.
"Brwaaa! Rumpultforeskin!" Fritz said as Boshy began to incinerate and decended back into android hell.
"Wait, didn't Boshy-kun go to atheist heaven?" Yandere-Chan asked.
"Yandere-Chan, you should know that this is beyond plotholes already." I said wile vomiting a torrent of rainbows and hyper-realistic semen.
"What's that sticky stuff on me?" Xanthia asked.
"Oh, thatz juss sum lifr ovar musturd frum befoor me an Rayku fownd this." Tommy Wiseau said.
Suddenly, a dragon ripped open the top of the Weiner-mobile.
"DRAGON!!!" Raiko yelled in her usual cute, faint monotone.
"Bitch, we knew that already. Didn't you read the sentance before your dialogue?" I said to Raiko.
Seddently, before Raiko could counter, we heard a voice.
"My name is not important..." Said the familiar voice, the same voice that taught me pre-algebra.
"What is important is what I'm going to do..." It said again.
"I always wanted to teach math violently..." It said again.
"Oh, how are you doing Mr.Beaver?" I asked, recognising that the voice was that of my 6th grade math teacher.
"Awww, Song, you ruined my epic internal monologue." Mr.Beaver said before falling from the sky and plundging a large division sign through the dragon's head.
He was dressed in an adult-sized turquoise hoodie with beige cargo pants. In one hand he held a large division sign, and in the other he brandished a multiplication sign like a shield. His orange gotee was even more sugoi then ever, and his almost shaved head was just as kawaii as it had been in 1st period.
"So how's that fat-ass tabby cat of yours Song?" He asked me with sugoi in his manly voice.
"Still dead as a fuckin' fried chicken." I said.
"Hey, did you get a new pet?" Mr.Beaver asked me, pointing to the blue parakeet that was pecking my eyes out.
"Yeah, that's Fritz. The most sugoi parakeet that I found at my local PetSmart." I said.
"So, who are the waifus and the brown hair girl. And what about the guy with the Guy Fawkes mask?" Mr.Beaver asked.
"Well, this is Raiko and Yandere-Chan. That's Xanthia, and that's Alphatom493 | Promethium45 over there." I said.
"This is a pretty sweet ride you have here." Mr.Beaver complimented.
"Oh hai Mr.Beevar!" Tommy Wiseau greeted.
"Yo." Mr.Beaver said.
Then, the Weiner-mobile stopped moving.
"Why are we stopeing?" I asked.
"Eend of tha lyn!" Tommy Wiseau said. "Hav sum fri duks." Tommy Wiseau said as we all exited the Weiner-mobile, except for Tommy.
"Wait, Tommy!" Raiko said. "What about you~?"
"Ieh must go mie peepol nid mie!" Tommy Wiseau said as he then teleported to SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE.
Sudwhenly, an horrible girl with red eyes and no fasion sense came flying on a goffik broom. She had no fasion sense. IT WAS ENOBY DARK'NESS SHITTY FUCKFACE!!!
"OMG UR AL PREPZ111" Enoby said.
"Well you dress like a tramp, Ibory-tan." Yandere-Chan said as she put on 133,769 bit glasses and took a swig of non-alchoholic mountain dew. Then, Melanie Dankness Dewmania Warface came out of the bottle of Murten Durr.
Melanie quickscoped Ebory, who was slit her rists 666 at light speed.
"Brwaaa! I'm bored of this!" Fritz said as he pecked out TaEbory's eyes.
"OMG Y R U DO DIS OMG STUP U PREP!" Egogy begged.
"Brwaaa! Then where the fuck is the Chinese Illuminati's HQ?" Fritz asked, still pecking out Tara.
Enony fought about it for a while, then...
"IZINLV426" She said and died.
"Oh hey, I just came from there." I said.
"So how exactly are we supposed to get there?" Mr.Beaver asked.
Suddenly, a portal to hell opened as Doomguy crawled out with a pink shotgun.
"Hey, Greenshit, can we use that pentagram thing?" Xanthia asked.
"Heh, Good luck kiddo." He said as he ran down the street and began to slaughter all the headcrab zombie that were everywhere..
We all seductively jumped through the portal and found ourselves in Hell. Eric Hovind was loafing meanly in his white toga. It was Eric Hovind who was the true devil. At his right hand sat a Flareon, and at his nutsack was a Kabuto. At his other right hand was Natelie\Clockwork. The sue-rippof of Jeff The Killer came down and tried to attack us, but Mr.Beaver pinned her down with some throwing parenthesis. Kabuto used WATER GUN, but Mr.Beaver's multiplication shield deflected the water. The rabid Flareon jumped down and eyed him down like a lion.
"Just go! I'll handle this!" Mr.Beaver said as he chugged down a mountain dew and put on 69 bit sunglasses. We ran and were escaping Hell.
"Alright, so where is this?" Xanthia asked.
"Oh, this is just Hadley's Hope. Might wanna mind the Xenomorphs." I said with spooky.
"Pfft, yeah right." Xanthia said before walking off and bumping into a Xenomorph. Xanthia stared, puzzled at it. Then it fell down with lovie dovie look in it's eyes and said:
"Xanthiailoveyouwillyoubmahwaifu" it said.
"I'm 13..." She said.
"And you're genderless!" I added.
"-HISSS!-" It said then tried to attack Anxthia1! Alphatom493 | Promethium45 then threw a serrated Icositragon and decapitated it, splattering hyper-realistic acid blood on the dancefloor (AN bcuz dis purt wuz da strep club k?1) And alot of other Xenomorphs came out. Then, Rookie and Winter took the lampshades off their head as we realised the lamps were really colonial marines. They began to sexily beat up the Xenomorphs. I found myself ejaculating in an area confined to the boundries provided by my article of clothing adorning my lower abdominal reigon and legs. We ran out the closed door like when Anne Frank first met Goku except we made it outside.
There, we were met face-to-face with the HQ of the Chinese Illuminati. There were alot of asians dressed in cyan, yellow, and magenta kimono-yukatas (yumonos? kukatas?). And there, sitting on the throne in the end of the room, dressed in black and red, tall and goffik...
...It was Tara Gilsbie! At her feet sat the corpse of the previous poor-old sod who did a bang-up job at defeating her, Nicholas Cage. Tara Gilsbie pulled out a silver nif.
"Brwaaa! Well, I've had enough of this. Tell me if you die Song, I hope by the end of this I'll have an apropriate reason to bring streamers and booze to a funeral party!" Fritz said as he flew out the window and into his birdy cage over at La Soleil.
"FUK OF PREPZ111" Said Tara Gilsbie as she charged at me, revealing a black and red hyper-realistic illuminati was tattooed on her toungue via some Fruit Rollups. He rists were fresh with hyper-paintalistic blood as she attempted to stab me. I dodged every blow in slow-motion because I recently saw the Matrix movies with Chocola and Vanilla. The asians pulled out Kisarigamas, Naginatas, Katanas, Shurikans, Bo-staffs, Taneshagimas, Tates, Kamas, Kunais, Onos, Otsuchis, Oyumis, Fukiyas, Bo-hiyas, Bajozutsus, Shobos, Suntetsus, Yawaras, Yubi-bos, Horimonos, Inariyamas, Tachis, Uchigatanas, Han-dachis, Aikuchis, Shikomizues, Kaikens, and Sayas.
Xanthia was krilling them with her Statrak(tm) Nova | Koi and Alphatom493 | Promethium45 was dodging all of EVIL SHRAQXXX's attempts to noscope him while he was playing Open Hexagon, every time EVIL SHRAQXXXs missed he would hit an asians and kill them to death. Yandere-Chan was just stabbing them all repeatedly with scissors, but had to do it multiple times over because at this point she was making Ted Bundy look like AronRa.
I kept dodging Tara's attempts to stick me through the heart. I eventually garbed her nif, but just as I was about to stick her in the throat, I realised something...
...The knife sounded like it had no reason.
Then the .nif disaper. I resorted to slapping Tara with a tentacle dildo. I slit her throat with a piece of paper and eventually she died to death. When I finished killing Tara, I realised that Xanthia and Alphatom493 | Promethium45 had killed all the asians in the room. Suddenly, the throne exploded in a shower of hyper-realistic stone. Then, thr true ruler of the Illuminati appered. It was EVIL PATRIXXX! We tried to fite him IRL but he just threw pictures of Pinhead at us and that KO'd us instantly. EVIL PATRIXXX started loafing meanly, but then, a portal opened.
Then, dressed in a had made from the fur of a Flareon and wearig a Dome Fossil for a helmet and wearing some thin 'fasionable' boots. It was Mr.Beaver!
"I WILL NOT LET SUCH A DEMONIC BEAST REIN TRIUMPHANT OVER MY STUDENTS!" He said. He then dramatically swinged his division sign at EVIL PATRIXXX and the screen went black for 1.337 seconds. When it went back to regular, I couldn't belive what I was seeing! Mr.Beaver had done the impossible! He killed EVIL PATRIXXX!
The cage holding YuriOfWind was lowered and broke open. Yandere-Chan was twitching as she caressed her new Senpai (YuriOfWind). The roof of the Illuminati HQ ripped off, as the glory of our Professor and Astronomer, Carl Sagan, apperiated before me.
"How exactly did it get burned?" Carl Sagan spoke with his booming sexah voice. Then, Nicholas Cage came back to life and injected angry bees into EVIL PATRIXXX who killed us all. I thought it was a glitch and carried on, The End.