AUTHOR'S NOTE: Let's face it, you all saw this coming. When you hit the point of the Honey Badger Brigade turning Anita Sarkeesian and Briana Wu into buckets of KFC with super spooky smexy sexy hyper-realistic rainbow quake railguns, you need to go deeper (lol geddit? lik sexx? lawl). I also named all the chapters after random songs. Listen to them, they're good. They don't fit the chapter, but they're still good.
CTHAEPR 1 Be Gone Mr.Gawne Edit
Excerpt from 1974 Ukrainian newspaper trending in Japan:
OMINOUS UNKNOWN SOCIAL JUSTICE WANKER STILL LARGE.
After weeks of unexplained anti-gamergate propaganda, an unknown feminist is still on the rise. After little evidance has been found, a young loli states she survived one of the feminist's doxxes and bravely tells her story.
Police are still on the lookout for this woman. If you see anyone that matches the description of the story, please contact your local five-o station.
I remembered reading that and I scoffed as I said "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but hollowpoints expand on impact." under my breath in the middle of recovering from when EVIL PATRIXXX slit mah rists 666. Chocola and Vanilla was crying in the coroner, so I politely told them to shut their whore mouthes.
The super smexy norse right next to me injected Mr.Beaver with lord-moldybuttserum. Mr.Beaver then instantly recovered and grew 999% muscle mass. He then became Lord Humathgous and moved to Australia where he taught math to those too unfortunate enough to be captured by his gang. She then injected Xanthia with Voldemprtserum and she recovered instantly and became an anthropromorphised Armat Battlefield Systems M41A Pulse Rifle, shamelessly ripping off Upotte!!. Then I was inject with voldemortserum and recovered instantly with no side-effects or cool superpowers. Alphatom493 | Promethium45 was inject with veritaserum and he ascended to atheist heaven as the god of Open Hexagon, and then Saganism became a polytheistic religion. YuriOfWind got a dose of Voldymintserum and became half-YuriOfWind. Yandere-Chan gained Yandere Vision when she was injaculated in with hyper-realistic voldemortserum, and that's why that happens when you hold down CTRL in Yandere-Sim.
Then we were all discharged a femtosecond later.
"Let's hope I can find a cuddly waifu, I hope Mad Max is up for grabs." I said with sexy.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Xanthia asked. "You seriously have to be the creepiest person I've met, and that's saying something considering that almost everyone I know has Catpanions."
"Well isn't that the point, Xanthia-chan~?" Yandere-Chan asked.
Suddenly, Zombie Enoby came frum da graev and started to slit her rists 666. I slapped her and headcrab was falling off. Egoby said:
"Fangz 4 dat ur nut a prep" She said. Then, Xanthia killed her with a StatTrak(tm) Nova | Koi (Factory New) and splattered hyper-realistic vampire blood all over Chocola and Vanilla who became really disgusted and started to vomit hyper-realistic hairballs. They soon realised that they just recently buried Jeff The Killer with all of them.
"OMG IZ JUF DA KILA" I said when suddenly a brick covered in green shit with one eye and claws appeariated. It was FurBearingBrick!
"Don't touch my waifu!" She said like indigo.
"I don't think anybody planned to touch that piss-poor rejected batman villian." Xanthia said.
FurBearingBrick began to cry tears of hyper-realistic blood as her eye turned black with glowing red dot.
"I WILL BAN ALL YOU HOLD DEAR FOR INSULTING NY WAIFU!!" Brick said as she began loafing meanly.
"Hold on, what happened to Raiko-chan? Asked Yandere-Chan" Asked Yandere-Chan before being banned by Brick.
"Okay, fuck this shit." Xanthia said as she stole EVIL PATRIXXX's AWP | Hyper-Beast (Factory New) with a Kawaii Killer T Sticker above the mag. It was holding .50 Calibur BMG Hollow Point Armor Piercing Flechette Incidiary Ball ammunition and instantly rekt FurBearingBrick. With the reking of the admin that banned her, Yandere-Chan popped back into existance for seemingly to no reason.
So anyway, we all tried to find out what happened to Raiko, since none of us saw Carl Sagan lift her into another dimension. It was as if the author forgot about her almost instantly and she vanished from the plot. We went into a nearby childeren's pizzeria and ordered 666 bottles of hyper-realistic Hi-C, shaken, not stirred.
"So what exactly are we going to do now?" YuriOfWind asked. "Is the plot going to be somewhat consistant this time?" LesbianOfWind asked.
"Probably not." I said as I took a sip of super-special-smexy-awesome hypre-relitzuk Hi-C, shaken, not stirred.
While there, an animatronic bunny came up to us and said "MAY I TAKE YOUR HAT SIR" in a black and red hyper-realistic pixelated voice. Yandere-Chan got scared and decapitated it with a pencil. The owner of the establishment got fucking pissed and walked over here, flailing all his limbs and he floated over. He opened the door to the food place and got on the floor. We were all confused as everyone saw him do the dinosaur before teleporting to me and shouting something. He said:
"OI M9! WHAT THE FOCK DO YEW FINK YUR DOIN'? THEEZ ANIMUTRINIKZ COST A FOCKTON OF SCRILLA! YEW'LL ALL HAVE TO PAY FOR DAMAGES! YEW GORMLESS TOSSAS!" He yelled. I noticed his purple shirt had hyper-realistic grape juice spilled on it.
"But we don't have any scrillaz!" I said. "We lost all those when we were attacked by EVIL PATRIXXX in the Chinese Illuminati HQ and we had no extra lives!" I said.
"WELL TEW BAD FOOR YEW BLOODY CUNTS. IF YA' DON'T HAVE THA SCRILLAZ FEN I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TA MAKE YEW OLL WORK!!" Owner yell.
"Lemme guess, this is going to just be a shameless FNAF fanfic or something..." Alphatom493 | Promethium45 said in seductively.
"Actually m8, I was plannin' ta dress yew 6 blokes up as Cereal Killers and make yew blokes re-enact Alien: Resurrection, but I'm finkin' that the fanfic idea is a more swobbin' bally romp!" The owner guy said in english.
Yandere-Chan was loafing crazily but with some sexness as she went insane because of the hyper-realistic blood and automotonophobia. Since I had a xenomorph fetish, I got on my knees and begged him to not dress us up as cereal killers and make us re-enact Alien: Resurrection.
The singing animatronics then decided to take a song request. One random little shit that couldn't be older then 9 suggested an army song. Then, a Blitzkreig popped out, and killed all the kids with an 1,337mm shell.
"Gr8 m80s. I'll employ all yew blokes as the new noightwatches. Come back here at 12:00 tonight!" Owner of place said.
Xanthia attempted to do the sane thing and object, but Carl Sagan broke through the ceiling, pimp slapped her, then used a Warp Dorito to return to Atheist Heaven.
"Now, wait a moment." YuriOfWind said with sanity and anti-depressents. "Why do we have to come along? It was Yandere-Chan who decapitated Shameless Ripoff Bonnie!" YuriOfWind asksaid.
Everyone ignored YuriOfWind as ownerguy dug around in his hyper-realistic pocket.
We were all handed keys. We all got security guard cosplay because the author wants to distract us from the fact that this is part blatant ripoff of a very similar FNAF crossover fanfiction where the main characters of something become security guards. Well, that and maybe the fact that jet fuel can't melt steel beams. So anyway, Chocola and Vanilla went home and never came with us.
CAHTPRE 2 Jump Up And Bounce Down Edit
So it was 12:00 AM when we left at 12:00 AM, which was lucky. I always hated leaving at 4:20 when it was 3:60. Anyway, we went back to Freedy Fuzbare's Pizza (totally not a ripoff of Freddy Fazbear's Pizza) and sat in the office place. There were 5 chairs. Alphatom493 | Promethium45 just put on a Hatsune Miku wig and played Open Hexagon for the entire night. YuriOfWind just made another Bullshit Creepypasta Storytime and didn't care at all.
So some weird-ass fucker on the phone stated talking to us. His name was Malcom Ian. He sounded like Christopher Walken.
"So, yeah... Uh...welcome uh to your uh new uh summer uh job at uh Freedy Fuzbear's Pizz-uh..."
"But it's the middle of november, Malcom-sama~." Yandere-Chan said.
"Uh...do you uh think I uh really uh care uh about that uh at all?" Malcom Ian said over the radio. Suddenly, Xanthia said:
"Fuck it, I'm bored of this shit." The female homo-sapien with the brown cranial hair folicles and the lime green optical organs, which had been dubbed "Xanthia" by her parental figures, contorted her cranial anatomy and vocal cords in a way that produced sound often referred to as speaking before reaching to a statistic logging 12 gauge pump-action firearm with an image of an asian fish customly applied onto it in a condition similar to the object's condition when it had been first assembled. She produced the abforementioned firearm before activating the firing mechanism and sending forth a barrage of metalic pellets, forcefully and violently ripping apart the telecommunication device.
Yandere-Chan went down to the employees lounge to get some coffee. She never left. While Yandere-Chan was having fun in a plothole, I looked at the Animatronics. There was a Xenomorph named Xena, a Heughhig named EVIL SANIXXX, and a Axolotl named Axel, named after the glorious ruler of this country (Axl Society incase you didn't know). I saw that the mascot, Freedy Fuzbare, an animatronic .FUZ file, was missing from the stage.
I thought it was a glitch and looked over at Cam 99. There was a music box and a large bong. I saw that the bong wasn't lit so no weed was getting smoked. I re-lit the bong. I used my flashlight and saw an animatronic Snoop Dogg coming out of a dumpster. Suddenly, a skeleton popped out and the Cam was disabled. I thought it was a glitch and put the moniter down. Xanthia was reloading her Statrak(tm) Nova | Koi. There was a hyper-realistic dead guy in a purple jumpsuit with grape juice stains. He was holding a bucket of fried chicken. Then, an animatrizzle Snoop Dogg appeared and shouted:
"BOO! YO-ASS BE SPOOKED! RIGHT BACK UP IN YO MUTHAFUCKIN' ASS! POST DIS SHIZNIT ON 999 SNOOP BLOGGY BLOGS OR MAH ASS WILL BUST A CAP UP IN YO MUTHAFUCKIN' ASS!"
I was spooked, but I handed him a cannabis plant and he fucked off back to his ghetto. I looked at Cam 69 and there was a hyper-realistic animatronic Twilightfan69, a photo-realistic ShitlordVII, and hi-res Bonziboodi. They were looking at midget porn and staring at me with blood and black hyper-realistic reding blazing demonic eyes leakin blood and being bloodshot to the point that they were red, bleeding, and puslating black and read and were hyper-realistic ankdfbhjdskiuysagyfafvaesyjkagyq2ry1gy`g78171yv671f12fy124cg1ctv4tyk.
When the author finished having a fucking stroke, I saw that there was Axel down the hallway. He was staring at me with red and blaxsploitation glaring photo-realistic eyes. He drew some sacred geomatry, placed down an icositragon, rotated it 3.14159265 radians to the left and summoned EVIL PATRIXXX via ahnking the interdimensional reactions of male and female energy across the 4th radimensional planes of sub-existance.
"Rumpultforeskin" I said, sending EVIL PATRIXXX back to hell.
Axel the anhked my male energy and incased it in the crystaline figures, storing the 75th dimensional sub-physical properties, sparing the dankeness frequencies withing the sub-existance bodygroup. I thought it was a glitch and saw that it was 6:00 AM and watched as Yandere-Chan came back over. She scretly lured Mio Akiya into the employee lounge and killed her. She couldn't kill Imouto-Chan since she only knew of Emily's death. The next nite the place was closed since Yandere-Chan didn't incinerate the hyper-realistic blood that was splattered everywhere.
The next next nite we flew the SOIboat to Freedy Fuzbare's Pizza. It was only 1 AM when Alphatom493 | Promethium45 was playing Open Hexagon and didn't give a shit while Me, YuriOfWind, Xanthia, and Yandere-Chan shat ourselves as the terrifying photo-realistic animatronic hentai tentacle monster stared at us with ff0000 demonic hyper-animated eyes. Suddenly, a dubstep version of Focus by Chipzel started playing. I ripped off the Hestia mask, said:
"THIS IS MY JAM!!!" I said as I began to dance around the room, like Tommy Wiseau in Breaking Bad, the bastard child of the franchise. Suddenly, I was tackled by the old and ruined version of the animatronic Xenomorph they left in the parts and service. He said a simple FaZe (lol geddit? bcuz i drank murten durr?). He said it in only the way Jeri from Aliens: Stronghold could speak. He said:
"I WILL EAT YOUR HEART!!! I WILL EAT YOUR FAAAAAACE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He said in a hyper-pixelated voice like Bishop from Aliens Versus Predator 2010. The bastard child of the Cory In The House franchise.
He dragged me to the lair of the animatronic Turkeyhog. He kept telling me that I was the one who will now get stuffed. I thought of that one movie, Gayniggers From Outerspace, and pissed myself. Luckily, my zipper was undone and the photorealistic urine landed on old Xena, paraylsing her. I roundhouse kicked her in the gnards and called upon The Honeybadger Brigade, but they were all in the middle of a podcast with BLACKBusterCritic so they couldn't cum (lol geddit bcuz i liek porn lol).
Suddenly, the clock hit 6 AM and the familiar sound of Joel laughing signifying it was 6:00 AM sounded, but more Pixelated. I was walking out with Alphatom493 | Promethium45, YuriOfWind, Xanthia, and Yandere-Chan before Axel threw his crystaline astric form at me. It shattered across the 4D higgsfield and the anhked male energy sent false negative frequencies through the sexi plane, rotating the inter-9th dimensional plane 5.62951413 radiometric plahnks to the 1st dimensional true right, sending me to the pseudo-phonemic relm of the 7D turkeyhog of sacred geomatry.
CEPRATH 3 Breathless Edit
I walked around the hyper-realistic crystaline grass as Song wondered what the fuck just happened. Where did he go? What happened when Axel threw the crystaline figure at him? Why did the perspective change mid-sentance? And then, a Xanthia popped out of the closet.
Then, a goffik version of Focus by Chizpel start playing as Ebony Dark'ness dementia TARA way and Melanie Dank'ness Dewmania Warface appear.
"DIZ IZ MAH JOM111" Enoby says suicidally and starts dancing. "915 15 M4H J4M!!!" Melanie says in a ghetto way and starts doing the Do-Si-Do. Song slaps them and calls them a fgt, but they both knew that he was just jelious of their devotions to Gerard Way and Activision respectively. Ebory called upon MCR, but My Chemical Romance has broken up so the team of sexah goffik bi guiz can't cum (lol geddit? cuz deyr goffik sexah nd bi?). Melanie called upon FaZe and OpTic, which then proceeded to noscope everything that moved that wasn't Melane or TaEnoby. This forced Song and Xanthia to run for a while until Song, by request of Haru, tripped on an M4A4 | Dragon Breath (Well-Worn). He picked up wepon and began to shoot really fast.
Suddenly, the atmosphere turned green and static was now clouds. All the shitty FNAF OCs came out of a hyper-relistic 4D portal as the FNAF fanfucks invaded the relm of the 7d turkeyhog of sacred geomatry. Song held down the trigger and fired 31,415,926.2 rounds per femto-second with the accuracy of STAR_ playing the Ninja Sniper class and ripping off whoever wrote Silver The Turkeyhog in a horrible attempt at amusing Mutahar because the author thinks he\she\xe's that good.
All the fanmade animatronics then fell dead as the landwhales who made them were given Neodymium milkshakes as Song made then brain slushies. Then, Scott Cawthon popped out and disembowled Song so bad that Song was disemboweled. Hyper-realistic carbon flew everywhere as Xanthia kicked Scott in the gnards before having a calm teaparty while the landwhales pissed on the remains of our unlovable protagonist. Suddenly, the ssoq appeared. Dressed in blue, tall and angry...
...it was Nicholas Cage. It made sense, TheDudeWhoLicksMustard was always mattiesensei666's second banana, the idiot who can't be original, the one who doesn't get that sweet Azula booty in these early movies. Before I could rip off MakutaXadiret727 further, Nicholas cage killed all the landwhales because the rider was scraping at the door. Mattiesensei666 then manifested himself into a physical form, ripped out Tara's spleen, then shoved it up her anus. Then ENOBY NUT MARY SU OK died to death, splattering hyper-realistic count chocula everwhere.
However, more shitty FNAF OCs came from the portals. I called upon the Honey Badger Brigade, who pulled out super spooky smexy sexy hyper-realistic rainbow VP-78 | Hyper-Beast (Battle-Scarred) and rekt all the shitty OCs and closed the portals using their anti-censorship powers. Alison Tiemen then gave me a magical penis before the Honey Badgers warped away using warp dewritos. I used the magical penis, and a warp dildo appeared. It looked like the purple prose dildo, but red and hyper-realistic. Before I could use it, Egogy took it and slit her rists 666 with the warp dildo. She was then taken to the fap zone of the purple prose dildo and starved to death in North Korea.
So then, Xanthia ran off with my virility. I was so pissed, but then, an overused meme hit me in the face. I used the magic penis again and got a TEC-9 | Neural (Factory-New). I tried to shoot her, but Xanthia remembered that she was a blatant rip-off of Funco, and pulled out an M41A | Bounce (Factory-New) from nowhere and shot me, splattering hyper-realistic brain matter everywhere. It wasn't sexist because she was a girl. Xanthia dropped my virility in the hyper-realistic cave of death of John Madden. When I entered the cave I was mauled on the legs by a sadistic football as John Madden laughed in a pixelated way that was hyper-realistic. I played a game of hyper-realistic Yu-Gi-Oh until Alphatom493 | Promethium45 came through a portal and Massacre'd John Madden after Incongruencing the football.
"Dank u" I said.
And then I read the entirety of HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, which was enscribed on John Madden's back. I didn't get past the groinsaws until I realised this was unecessary filler. Yandere-Chan then came through the portal. She spilled hyper-realistic red paint on her sailor suit. It had a reflective quality that SHOULD have been graphically impossible for a 1080p 60fps story like "Xanthia.lua Act II - The Night Shift Or Something Equally Pseudo-Scientific". Then, Lotus from Warframe appeared. She made us make a Madoka Magica style contract with her and I gained Warframe-style parkour powers. This was revolutionary, and I almost lactated in my pants. I forgot about my virility and jumped through the portal.
TECHPRA 4 The Next Episode feat. Dr.Dre Edit
I returned to Wyoming in Axl Society. However, upon arriving, I rembered I was disemboweled to the point of disembowelment and I fell dead in a mess of my organs. I lived though, and fapped around on my lungs. I fapped over to Freedy Fuzbare's Pizza and found that it was destroyed by EVIL AXXXL. I slit da rists 666 of EVIL AXXXL and then Axl, the leader of our glorious country, came over and picked me up and took me to the White Supremist House. She then gave me the cheat for perminant sexyness. I went over to Mr.Norris and killed him with my sexy touch for existing. Then, MakutaXadiret727 popped out, manifested himselve into Mattiesensei666, then disemboweled me for ripping him off, but I was sexy enough to survive being disemboweled thrice. Then, he said something that turned my cherry-flavored pepsi into, yep, you guessed it, hyper-realistic semen.
"RAIKO WAS TAKEN TO NORTH KOREA!" He said, which was so spooky it, you guessed it, turned my cherry-flavored pepsi into, yep, you guessed it, photo-realistic seminal fluid. I drank it anyway because I needed to clear my sinuses of the Cory In The House playset I shoved up there. There was japanese writing inscribed on it.
I decided to try to find the magical penis, but Mattiesensei666 spilled fruit punch on the floor, which I tripped on when I tried to fap away from the White Supremist House. I was then blindfolded and captured by Will Smith who had a saddened look on his face. He pulls out an anhk of stamped female energy and pairs it with space jew energetic frequencies and changes the 77th dimentional physical energetic favor form and bloats my 8th chakra to allow the 8th dimensional reactions with my sub-physical third eye, rotading it 3.14159265 radians to the acceleradiant 19 fielded 14th heavenly true northern left.
So, after re-assembling me by the sub-spacial poles of the atomic crystaline bonds of the carbolic information secretly embedded into deoxyribonucleic acid, Mattiesensei666 and Will Smith bring me to Pennsylvania. I was dropped off at a graveyard. I took off the blindfold and found I was in a Pennsylvanian gravyard, and there was the rest of the crew of merry fuckups. Alphatom493 | Promethium45, Yandere-Chan, YuriOfWind, and Xanthia. We were all standing infront of a bloody red and black hyper-realistic hallway of photo-realistic death. At the end of it, Uncle Phil, and a bong, filled with crystal meth.
Alphatom493 | Promethium45 entered first, a bunch of black hyper-realistic xenomorphs tried to kill him, but he was so good at Open Hexagon his dodging abilities allowed him to evade everything the xenos threw at him. He made through completely unscathed, except he got a little stab wound on his elbow, but he just used his sexyness to make it heal in -3.14159265 sexsexagintiliseconds, basically instantly.
YuriOfWind was next, a bunch of hyper-realistic sonics tried to attack him with hyper-realistic blood, but he was too cynical. His sarcasm ripped them apart and by the end of it he was covered in hyper-realistic blood.
Yandere-chan went next. There was everybody at her highschool throughout the hallway, she just slashed them all in to and went crazy after 4.13159262 seconds.
Xanthia just walked through with nothing happening.
Then, I walked through. There were images of my dad, chocking on his own hyper-realistic semen, his asshole dialating until his entire ass was like an inky black man. My mother, brother, and dead cousin, all gathering around the TV for the season 69 premier of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. When my mommy noscoped me with a sniper rifle, holding ammunition it can't even hold. The images of the pope molesting me in a squid costume, the time I did you know what with Carl Sagan, the time I died of asthema I got from the Jeff The Killer ghost in the bathroom. The memorys of the chinease illuminati doing things with me and some manchilderen in the looney bin the build in the lost woods. When I ordered the square dildo off the in Amazon...
By the end of it all, I was on my hands and knees, crying tears of, you guessed, seminal fluid. Like a little pussy. I think I have some kind of learning difficulty. Anyway, then, Uncle Phil spoke.
"Smoke of the meth of the bong..." He said like Kent Hovind said to Charlizzle Browizzle when the first human evolved in the garden of whateverthefuckitdoesntmatter.scr.
"Well, first time for everything." Xanthia said as she smoked the bong. Then, Carl Sagan lifted her somewhere. Will Smith came back and used a spell.
"Deus Ex Machina-no-jitsu!" He said, and then we all teleported to where Xanthia went.'
"Will, now what in da hell were you THINKING?" Uncle Phil said with madden voice.
"The fucktard author painted himself\herself\xeself inta a corner!" Will said before being attacked by Uncle Phil.
While the two sexah black not-goffic bi guys fought and fucked eachother, we found Xanthia standing up at a shrine. There was a seat, and we saw who was sitting on the seat. Dressed in black, tall and high off his fucking mind...
...It was Snoop Dogg! Xanthia kneeled infront of him while I orgasmed and jizzed, you guessed it, hyper-realistic banana smoothie into my pants with the force of a thousand suns.
"Now what tha fuck do yo' asses gotta rap ta mah-ass todizzle, specialy in da midizzle of mah weed smokin'?" Snoop gargled mendingly.
89 seconds later, Mutahar, BLACKBusterCritic, Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, BurningTorrent, Spinner Oonie, and JC-The-Hyena kocked on da door, then kicked it down. They all had USP | Monkey Buisness (Factory-New).
"Aw, fuck dat shiznit dawg. Yo asses brought they asses to mah doggy-den, now git them asses ta fuck off. Y'all KNOW dat shit muthafucka!" Snoop ordered.
"Yandere-Chan, take Ibony and Spinner. YuriOfWind, take JC and BLACKBuster. Alphatom493 | Promethium45, take BurningTorrent. Xanthia, you and me have that Mutarswag!" I said with order.
CTEPHRA 5 Ultima Edit
Mutahar stood there, in a hyper-realistic way that ripped off Dragon Ball Z. Xanthia took out her StatTrak(tm) Nova | Koi (Factory-New) and shot at Mutahar, but Mutahar was secretly half cousins with Goku, and went Super Saiyen. He stopped the bullets with his hand and threw it in the recycle bin before kindly setting it out so the aluminum can be recycled into better things and he did his part to help the environment. Then he went back to the fight. Xanthia remembered that she was an M41A Pulse Rifle and bulled out an M41A | Neural (Factory-New) from nowhere and shot bullets really fast at Mutahar, but the bullets just bounced off of Mutahar's rock hard body.
Mutahar then Mike Tyson punched Xanthia in the stomach and made hyper-realistic cherry soda and photo-realistic FAMAS cartidges come out of her mouth like torpedos in a painful ripoff of Clannad. Xanthia roundhouse kicked Mutahar in the gnards, but it hurt her the most as Mutahar had now gained balls of steel and a dick made of carbonated tungsten. YuriOfWind just finished a Sonic Brainfart where he and BLACKBusterCritic team up and pwn JC-The-Hyena, BLACKBuster was now on our side. YuriOfWind launched hyper-realistic red comic sans at Mutahar, but they missed and hit me in the heart, impaling me in a way like Long Live The Queen when you're ran through. I died and had to wait until next round to respawn because Carl Sagan enabled Arena mode.
BLACKBusterCritic attempts to blast Spinner Oonie in the face with gaston's blunderbuss that he whipped out in less then a tenth of a second, but Spinner made BLACKBuster's mind expload with creationist bullshit. YuriOfWind launched more comic sans, and it hit and killed Mutahar instantly, but it was too late because he beat Xanthia into a puddle of hyper-photo-realistic gastric acid. YuriOfWind sat on Spinner's face and twerked at a rate of 923 Zeptillion gyrations per half-plahnk time, ripping Spinner's Face\Off and splattering super-realistic red paint everywhere, or had it been cherry Icee all along?
BurningTorrent was firing at Alphatom493 | Promethium45 but missed every shot while Alphatom493 | Promethium45 set another world record, this time for the stage "Pulse" by "NeodymiumAceium5". However, a loose drop of Spinner's hyper-realistic soft-drink blood gets on Alphatom493 | Promethium45's Super Hexagon hoodie, which causes him to have an anyurism and die in an explosion of basketballs. YuriOfWind did a super sentai ripoff and summoned a Mega-Zorg and ripped BurningTorrent a new one.
Suddenly, Ebory pulls YuriOfWind out of the mech, sooking al hiz photo-realism blood. Now, it's just Enopby and Yandere-Chan. They stand like in a Latin Standoff, before Tata pulls out a USP | Monkey Buisness (Factory-New) and shoots at Yandere-Chan a gazillion times. Yandere-Chan attempts to attack Ibondy, but when she realises the knife sounded like it had no reason, Enibu shooted her in the face, splattering hyper-animu blood on everywhere. Snoop then breathes a gale of toxic potsmoke, and Enony chokes to death on the potsmoke.
Carl Sagan brings us all back to life (Except the bad guys) via Deus Ex Machina. I looked back at Uncle Phil and he was sitting next to a death Will Smith. He had gone through horrible problems and went goffik and converted to Satanism. I shooted him in the feces and he died like the melon lord. Snoop stated loafing meanly. He was so very happy with us that he gave us all packets of cannabis and packets of cannabis covered in butter and other things that rip off BurningTorrent, but she's dead now so originality no longer matters. Atleast with her stuff. I'm still taller then her though.
Snoop gave me a Weed Sticker, which I put on my StatTrak(tm) M4A1-S | Hyper-Beast (Battled-Scarred). We left the place and all got really high, but not really closer to finding what the fuck happned to Raiko, which stopped being relivant a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Well, that is, until an alien spaceship popped out. A hyper-realistic xenomorph wearing a photo-realistic monacle, a high-poly top hat, and a high-res 4k moustache and took a sip of 10^10^128 sub-pixelated tea. He said a simple phrase, he said it in only the way that Imaru could speak. He said:
"Well, Song and co. I can see you're suddenly re-occupied with finding Raiko. Well I can help you." He said.
"Okay, is that so Mr.Plot Device? In what way?" YuriOfWind said.
"I will take you into the 10 dimension because string theory has just been proven like 5 femtoseconds ago." The xenomorph said.
"Well, let's get this over with~" Yandere-Chan said. We all jumped sexily into the UFO and flew to the 10th dimension. There were moving posters of Ashley Simpson and The Backstreet Boys because we were all prepz. YuriOfWind and Alphatom493 | Promethium45 didn't give any shits. BLACKBusterCritic and Yandere-Chan were mentally scarred forever. I was amazed. Xanthia was disgusted. Mrs.Brummet then popped out, threw a dictionary and a book on phonics at my face, which hit me so hard that blood came out of my head. I reach over to the phonics book. I wrote "Daton Likes Cock" in the book before mailing it to Shao Kahnix, who gave me a Karambit nif skin at me. Then, Eboby popped out, and scarred off Mrs.Brummet with her horrible grammar and fucking atrocious spelling. TaEbory took my Karambit and slit her rists 6666.
"STOP THAT SHIT YOU FUCKWAD!" I politely asked her and calmly pried the Karambit from her bloody hands.
Suddenly, we arrivd at Minecraft Land...
CPHEAR 6 The Maze Of Mayonaise Edit
I instantly spotted Fritz, dressed up as a not hyper-realistic Ryuko Matoi, and Raiko, dressed up as a hyper-realistic Sawaguchi Mai.
"Brwaaa! Don't blame me for this shit! It was the psycho-bitch's idea!" Fritz said.
"He's actually right, I forced him into that costume." Raiko constantly said in her reguler faint, cute, innocent, inconspicuous, ubiquidous monotone.
"Nice try Fritzity, but I know your weird fetishes." I said as I took him out of the cosplay.
"But I'm telling you, this was my idea!" Raiko said, but then, Tommy Wiseau fell from orbit and squished Raiko, who died, lost one life, then respawned.
"Wait a moment, we just found Raiko, shouldn't this 'story' be over?" YuriOfWind asked.
"Well yeah, but we have to get Raiko back to the real world. Shigure can't keep Chocola and Vanilla entertained for all time, even though she did a good job for a while." I said.
"bt y do we hav 2 do dat?" Enoby sed seductively because she's a slut.
"I just fucking explained it!" I said as I slit one of Ebory's rists 666.
Suddenly, a crack in the ground opens. And...
...A FUCKING HUGE KENT HOVIND POPS OUT!!!
He grabs Raiko, YuriOfWind, BLACKBusterCritic, Enopy, and Yandere-Chan. Alphatom493 | Promethium45 dodges and Kent Hovind's too stupid to notice. Kent Hovind then reached through the dimensional fabric and grabbed Chocola, Vanilla, and Shigure. He puts them all in a cup he taped to his head.
"SAV UZ SONG!" Tara said.
I graped (geddit? lik wkuk? lol) a sharpened shard of borken peanut brittle and grabbed onto Kent Hovind's body hair, scaling his fucking huge hairy-ass legs. I found a glowing penis drawing on his calf and I stabbed it multiple times before it stopped glowing. I crawled up his hairy-ass back and stabbed the dick there. I made my way to his forehead and stabbed the bepis drawing there. Kent Hovind fell, everyone he captured was freed, and Kent Hovind died of fall damage. Then a bunch of black tentacles and Sloondermin tentacle wrapped me. It was hyper-realistic. The fancy Xenomorph was dead and so I tried to fly the UFO out of the Minecraft Land, but the thing is the UFO was operated by an arcade machine of DDR.
Since I'm white, I had a horrible time flying and we crashed into Shiverburn Galaxy, which was really just a planet. The hyper-realistic hell vally sky trees came to life and krilled us. We respawned back in the illuminati HQ. It was now a Xenomorph hive and Winter and Rookie were constantly giving birth to childeren that look like the childeren that Ryuko Matoi and Bighkat had. I pulled off Rookie's mask to reveal that he wasn't weaing a mask and I just ripped his face off. I then pulled off Winter's face and he was really wearing a mask, or should I say SHE was wearing a mask as it was really Ryuko Matoi!!!
Ryuko then gave me a note and then use a warp dildo. She then continued to star in the next thingy made by BurningTorrent, atleast when Carl Sagan brings her back with another Deus Ex Machina. Anyways, I read the note and this is what it said:
"You think you're so clever? You stupid bitch. I'm smarter then you think I am. Also, Spinner Oonie isn't dead. He's still out there. You just killed his non-juggalo twin brother." You motherfucking guessed it, the note said. I just thought it was a glitch and Xanthia grabbed my shoulders and slapped some sense into me.
"Are you FUCKING serious? Just a glitch? Well let's see if this is a glitch!" Xanthia said as she placed some sense ontop of my skull and sent it into my hippicampi with one big cosmic slap. Then I realised something...
"OMG DIS WUZ ANODDR BADLI MAD PLAT TWIZZD!" Me and Ebimy scramed out loud. Suddenly Enorby got derpressed and, you guessed it, slit her rists 666. She got blood on her gothic black lace corset with MCR lyrics on them and a thong that said "I'm a massive whore fuck me in the butt" on the butt and her black pointy high-heeled boots. She then smiled sadly with her black lipstick.
"W8 a second, I killed Tara Gilsbie, shouldn't you be dead too since you're the fucking hugest self-insert ever?" I asked Inoby.
"U suxx prep11" Ebovyne said with seductively because she's a massive whore.
"Um, can we quit the filler and continue?" Alphatom493 | Promethium45 said.
"Aren't you playing Open Hexagon?" I ask.
"I only lasted a pitiful 31 sexsexagintillion seconds, so I ragequit." He said.
"Well that makes a whole load of sense." Xanthia said.
"Can I get some dialogue for once?" YuriOfWind asked?
"Eh, I think you're more of just there to be on the character roster, or atleast to get this into the 'Bad Fanfiction' category, YuriOfWind-senpai~." Yandere-chan said.
"Will you to shut up and stop making filler?" I said as I kiked on da door. There was a long hyper-realistic hallway covered in hyper-realistic xenomorph hive webbing.
"Wait, why are none of the xenomorphs attacking us?" YuriOfWind asked.
"Deus Ex Machina?" Alphatom493 | Promethium45 asked.
"Exactly, it's Carl Sagan's grace granting us the power of Deus Ex Machina." I said, since I was the Saganism expert and one of the messiahs of Carl Sagan.
So we walked down the hallway, but then we realised that BLACKBusterCritic respawned back in his house and that Raiko was awfully quiet. I thought it was a glitch and opened the door. There, sitting on the middle of the room, starting right at the hyper-sexy hyper-realistic hospitalized stuntman, was Eternity Dement'ia Johnson.
"OMG ETRNITI!" Igogy said.
"Oh my Satan, Ebony!" Eternity said.
Then they hugged eachother and did you know what with a strap-off because xxxbloodyrists666xxx is a massive whore. Then, suddenly, a portal opened!!
"Hey what's up guys! It's the BLACKBusterCritic!" Said BLACKBBusterCritic. He was decked out in FaZe to the max! He noscoped Ibony and Eternity, splattering hyper-realistic count chocula and hyper-realistic dictionaries everywhere. This time, their corpses incinerated, signifying they wint 2 heyyyyll.
"Never liked them anyway." I said under my breast except not because I'm a male you sicko.
So anyway, BLACKBusterCritic then led us into a hyper-realistic hallway of insemination and beyond. There were no birds singing and the pants were dead and the dirt was messy and bloody with headcrabs. There's alot of hallways now that I think about it. I ran through and in sent me to heyyyyll too! I saw Ibopny and Eternity, dressed in clothes from Holliester and American Eagle and, you guessed it motherfucker, slitting they're rists 333+333. I grabbed them and beat them both to death with "To Kill A Mockingbird".
"Well done." Spinner Oonie said. I turned around to see where the voice came from and who it came from. It was Spinner Oonie!
CAPTCHER 7 Child's Play Edit
"I will now kill you horribly." Spinner Oonie said as the guy from Soul Calibur said "Round 1, FIGHT!". Spinner Oonie beat the shit out of me, so eventually I said "FUCK IT!", opened up cheat engine, enabled AimBot and laughed as I landed every headkick, ranking in at 3.14159265 hits per Zeptisecond, meaning I beat him into pulp within a second of the 9,999,999th round.
Then, the environment faded. I was in the Snarkpit stage, and there, sitting with a leigon 666 of Snarks, was the final evil guy. Dressed in a blue and white plaid polo and khaki shorts with a base-ballcap turned sideways...
...It was Mutahar! I knew it! He was always TheDudeWhoLicksMustard's 3.14159265nd banana. The player 3.14159265, the one who doesn't get that sweet Xanthia booty at the end of the story (wait wut?).
"HAHAHAHAHAAHA!" He kefka laughed. "Did you really think that I wasn't the one all behind this? Why do you think I never read your trollpastas?" He asked with sexy in his hyper-realistic voice.
"Actually, since I made this twist so terribly, I really didn't." I said.
"Well, I can see why." Mutahar said. "Anyways, your shit little quest ends here, Song." Mutahar added.
We fought for like 3,141,592,626,660 years, but since this was in hell every femtosecond was a year, so we only spent like 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000003 seconds fighting. During the fight, Mutahar went Super Saiyen. He grabbed my by me testicles and held me up and said:
"YOU LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER WRITTEN THIS SHITTY SEQUAL TO YOUR ALREADY SHIT STORY!" He said. I then kicked him in the balls so hard he fainted. I took a breather, and then, someone tapped me on the shoulder. I looked over and saw Zack from BOB.exe. I looked further over my shoulder, rotating my head 180 degrees and saw Leonardo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I also saw Freddy Krugar in a Freddy Fazbear suit, but whatever.
"It's okay, if ripping me off helps you in this battle, I wont yell at you." Zack said.
"ZACK! ARE YOU INVADING THE DREAMS OF RANDOM KIDS AGAIN?!" His grandmother yelled.
"I have to go, I'll see you later, Song." He said.
Then, Mutahar unfainted. He went super saiyen. I turned myself into a Hexagon with a triangle rotating around me and shot hyper-realistic walls made of comic sans at Mutahar, but since he was double powerful, the comic sans just melted on his rock hard body with really hot abs. I found myself fapping at the sexiness of mutahar. I was powerless to stop it. He punched me in the face so hard my wrist snapped and photo-realistic phglem came out of my mouth and splattered his hand.
"EWWW GET THIS STICKY STUFF OFF!" Mutahar screamed, but it was too late. I already pulled out a Karambit | Case-Hardened (Factory-New) in less then half a plahnk time and cut his hand off. Hyper-realistic vicks vapor rub spurted out, but it was red and looked like blood. I knew it was vapor rub because I tasted it.
Mutahar then Mike Tyson punched me with his handless arm, causing hyper-realistic grape soda and photo-realistic black people to fly out of my mouth at the speed of light just like in Nichijou except with more hyper-realistic grape soda and photo-realistic black people. My palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms spahgetti, but then, my saviour came. It was my moment of need when a cloud of potsmoke came floating in, and from the wispy combustion fumes, a familliar form materialized.
It was Snoop Dogg. I was so happy. He breathed a hyper-realistic cloud of toxic potsmoke, blinding Mutahar. While Mutahar was pre-occupied with being poisoned and blinded, Snoop took out a hyper-realistic bong and smashed Mutahar's skull in. He went non-super saiyen, and fell dead with no visible injuries, and the Mutaswag was no more. Atleast in my dreams.
"Thank you Snoop!" I said with thankfullyness as I vomitted hyper-realistic photo-realistic menstrual blood.
"Anythang fo' mah playa. Check it befo' yo' ass rekt it homie!" Snoop Dogg said. We both did gang signs before he left my dream. I woke up.
"Did it hurt?" Xanthia asked.
"What, when I fell from heaven?" I asked.
"No, I'm talking about when you were walking down the stairs, your foot slipped, and you fell flat on your ass before tumbling down the remaining five and landing face-first into a radiator." She responded.
"Now that you mention it..." I said before letting out an ear-shredding pixelated scream that was so loud H.R. Giger rose from the dead and got a job at Denny's.
I look over to my left, and there was a dead hyper-realistic Mutahar.
"So, was Mutahar the real villian and I just demonized Spinner Oonie because he pissed me off with how he destroyed me in that evolution vs creation debate?" I asked.
"Considering how Steven Bee had to convince you to back off after Spinner bullshitted his way out of those refutations to the biblical prophecies, I think so." Xanthia responded.
"So is the story over?" I asked.
Then, Raiko pulled off her mask, and the owner of Freedy Fuzbare's Pizza popped out.
"OMG PLOT TWIZT!" Boshy said as he came back from Android Hell. "Stop cheating Alphatom493 | Promethium45! Change your recording software! Those scores werent legit!" Boshy yelled at the top of lungs.
"Boshy-kun~? Where did you come from?" Yandere-Chan asked as she made those weird circle eyes that appear when there's suprising atmosphere or a baka gaijin.
"Yandere-Chan, I killed Mutahar in the style of Nightmare On Elm Street. I think Boshy just teleporting from hell is the least crazy thing here." I said.
"OI YEW DICKING BASTARDS!" Yelled the owner. "YEW'RE ALL SHIRKING YER WERK! NOW GET BACK TA YA POSTS AS THE NIGHTWATCH! I NEVER UNDERSTAND YEW LAZY GORMLESS TOSSAS!" He yelled.
"Do I have to come with?" Asked Boshy.
"THE MOAR THE MARRIER ME MUM SAYS!" The owner says. "THAT MEANS YES, YEW SLOBBIN' WANKER!" said he, the owner guy.
"Fuck this! I'm out!" Boshy said. "Change your recording software Alphatom493 | Promethium45!" Boshy says as he stomps out of the hyper-realistic hallway and becomes the xenomorph king. He then lives for a happy 50 years before being torn apart by a xenomorph queen.
So we all got into the bike from E.T. and travled 314 lightyears in 0.0000159262 seconds because we were traveling at the speed it takes for a white person to fail at dancing.
Then we got to earth. As we stepped out, Xanthia slapped me, garbed my hand and said something.
"Did it also hurt when you fell from Atheist Heaven?" She asked as she looked into my eyes with her sugoi eyes.
"That's not how that works." I corrupted her.
"Well...fucking...just imagine I said some really effective yet highly cliche romantic pickup line or something." She said.
"Well, let's just hope this sequal baity ending with painfully forced and cliche romance is worth it." I said.
Then we kissed passivly for 3.14159265 seconds. After 3.14159265 seconds the screen fades to black.
AND THEN A PHOTO-REALISTIC SKELETON POPPED OUT!!!!
Carl Sagan - Carl Sagan
Snoop Dogg - Snoop Dogg
Raiko Izumiyama - Raiko
Mutahar - Mutahar
Yandere-Chan - YandereDev
Alphatom493 | Promethium45 - Terry Cavanagh
Hyper-realistic Xenomorph - Specemin 6
Spinner Oonie - Spinner Oonie
Boshy - Alphatom493 | Promethium45
Ryuko Matoi - Lucina
Xanthia Ravenwig - Georgia
BurningTorrent - FunkyFeem727
Mattiesensei666\MakutaXadiret727 - Ellykid
YuriOfWind - Andrew
Inoby Drak'nses Dementai TATA Wat - Tara Gilsbie
Melanie Dank'ness Dewmania Warface - Nancy Drew
Song - TheDudeWhoLicksMustard (ME LOL)
Eternity Dement'ia Johnson - Raven
Rookie - Tequila
Winter - Protomario
Kent Hovind - Gaitus, The Earth Knight
Eric Hovind - John Smith
The Honey Badger Bridage - The Honey Badger Brigade
Alison Tieman - Furiosa
BLACKBusterCritic - Garry Coleman
Scott Cawthon - Scott Cawthon
The Owner Guy - Phone Guy
Zack - Bob
Leonardo DiCaprio - Ted Bundy
Joseph Gordon-Levitt - Gordon Freeman
Chocola - Chocola
Vanilla - Vanilla
Jeff The Killer - Jeff The Killer
Natelie/Clockwork - Natelie/Clockwork
Kabuto - Kisarigama
Flareon - Blazes The Shitty Sonic OC
The Norse - Olaf
Photo-realistic skeleton - LOLSKELETONS
FurBearingBrick - FurBearingBrick
Tommy Wiseau - Tommy Wiseau
Axl - Axl The Mavrick Hunter
Mr.Beaver - Mr.Beaver
George Miller - Mel Gibson
Mel Gibaon - George Miller
Fritz - Fritz
Dr.Powell - Dr.Powell
Mrs.Brummett - Mrs.Brummet
There's also alot of other dumbshits but whatever.
In loving memory of my Steam profile description and my NEKOPARA Vol. 1 cards.
Dedicated to my waifu, Mad Max.